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Author Archives: annalyndsey

The Pain of Incredulity

number-4I am on the phone, talking to one of my telephone friends (this one has fibromyalgia and an autoimmune disorder and she lives in South West London). She is describing how badly she is affected when aircraft fly low over the house; it is getting so bad she may have to move, with all the disruption that entails.

And I feel it starting.  Deep down in the centre of my brain: the embryonic stirring of a question mark, a tiny curl of doubt.

Aircraft? Really? Surely things can’t be that bad….  It’s a natural human reaction.  Then I remember my own experience. I am ashamed, and I immediately suppress the thought.

For so many years, my situation was so rare, extreme and unusual that when I described it to people, often in an attempt to seek help, the response was usually incredulity.  Somebody once said that three of the most powerful words in the language are “I believe you.”  Their implied opposite is no less powerful.  Repeated over and over again, the incredulity became a sort of psychic flaying, a periodic acid bath on top of the agonising burning of my skin.

I learnt all sorts of things during my years in the dark.  I learnt how to locate and identify clothes and talking books by touch; how to find ecstatic joy in being well enough to clean the loo; how to sift, from a day of crushing boredom, a tiny nugget that might make my husband laugh.

The biggest lesson of all has been the importance of listening – really listening – to what people are telling me; keeping my mind open, no matter how what they are saying differs from my own experience of life; resisting the temptation to pull up the shutters of scepticism and think “this cannot be”; remembering that we understand only one small part of this wonderful, terrible world.

I needed this so much.  And I’m just immeasurably, immeasurably grateful that the people closest to me gave it, absolutely, freely and without question.

I know many others are not so lucky.

Getting Better – The Science Part (2)

One morning in June 2016, we get in the car in Hampshire and Pete drives up the motorway towards central London. The journey takes 2 ½ hours – most of that time spent crawling in traffic from the Hammersmith flyover.  We drive slowly along the river in intermittent rain and I squeak with excitement as… Continue reading…

“It’s all psychological…”

A girl and her mother, talking on the radio, stop me in my tracks. The girl had visual problems when she was eight years old, but specialists found nothing wrong.  They diagnosed her with “psychological blindness” and sent her home, devastated, confused, convinced she was a liar and a bad person. They found the brain… Continue reading…

The Difference that Day Makes

In a corner of our garden, just where the conservatory joins the brick wall of the house, a mysterious plant has taken root. It has elongated, slightly furry leaves that lie flat close to the ground, and tall slender stems, about 12 inches high, producing multiple branching flower heads.  Despite its elegant, aspirational appearance, it… Continue reading…

Café, with People

We pick a dull morning in November 2015 for my first go at a café. Pete and I drive to the New Forest, to a wildlife park set among tall trees.  We arrive early, at 12pm, so there won’t be many people about, and we choose a table out of the direct glare of the… Continue reading…

Getting Better: The Science Part (1)

Here’s how the miracle happened. It’s such a totally cool miracle, it’s got scientific references…(see end of post) 1. J, wife of friend and newly trained nutritional therapist, persuades sceptical, grumpy Anna (who is pretty ill at this point) to write out a detailed medical history, describe all the treatments she’s tried, muster the results of… Continue reading…

Clothes and Legs

Each morning in my blacked-out room, I’d put on my uniform layers: socks, leggings, long-sleeved top, lined velvet jacket, long full skirt. If I was well enough to go for walks at dawn and dusk, I’d add, before I went outside, a long coat, hat, and calf-length boots – summer and winter alike. But now… Continue reading…

Back to the light

This is the excerpt for your very first post. Continue reading…